IMMIGRATION CANADA'S NEW CHECK LIST!!

Congratulations on a wise choice.  While many countries say they offer
refugee status, our surveys show that Canada consistently leads the pack
in client satisfaction! In order to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out our consumer survey card below. Answering
the questions is not required under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms,
(if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable about filling this out, report
them to Canada's new Immigration Monitoring Services) but the
information will help us to devise the products and services to best
meet your future smuggling needs.


 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Esq.
    [_] Dr. [_]Comrade [_] Big Auntie [_] Classified [_] Other


 First Name:....
 Initial:....
 Last Name:....
 Estimated age:....
 Password:.............................. (max 8 char)
 Aliases:.................................................(max 5)
 Tattoos / severed digits:............................................
 Present Latitude-Longitude:...........   ...........


 2. How did you / will you enter Canada?


  [_] Unmarked landing strip
  [_] Cargo hold
  [_] Airline wheel assembly
  [_] Car trunk
  [_] Condemned fishing trawler
  [_] Visitor
  [_] Student
  [_] Trojan horse
  [_] Mail order
  [_] Athletic competition
  [_] Trade delegation
  [_] Med-evac
  [_] Have not yet entered legally
  [_] Ministerial permit
  [_] Rather not say
  [_] This is Canada?


 3. Date of entry (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /...... (if you
know) 

 4. Name at entry (if different): ....

 5. Any complaints about the
service?:................................................

    (food / accomodation?)


 6. If you have a Canadian visa, how was it acquired?:

  [_] Received as gift / aid package
  [_] Visas wanted column
  [_] Local cadre
  [_] Crime boss
  [_] Doorprize
  [_] Itinerant visa peddlar
  [_] Coupon in tea
  [_] Photocopy
  [_] Back of comic book
  [_] Helpful Canadian official
  [_] Independent smuggler / broker
  [_] Family / friend in the business
  [_] Made it myself
  [_] Government surplus
  [_] Classified


 7. What made you decide on Canada for your refugee claim?:


  [_] Media advertising spots
  [_] Climate
  [_] Homesteading opportunities
  [_] Proximity to NYC
  [_] Junior hockey programme
  [_] Triad expansion
  [_] Gambling debts
  [_] Showroom display
  [_] Length of asylum process
  [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
  [_] Recommended by necromancer / geomancer
  [_] Younger gang moving onto patch
  [_] Political lobbying by legation
  [_] Needed to stretch my legs
  [_] Tried everywhere else
  [_] This is Canada?


 8. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to claim refugee status:

  [_] Attractive packaging
  [_] Medical / dental care
  [_] Affordability
  [_] Reliability
  [_] Price / value
  [_] Comfort / convenience
  [_] Kickback / bribe
  [_] Resale value
  [_] Media
  [_] Recommended by snakehead
  [_] Recommended by immigration lawyer
  [_] Boat seized / sunk
  [_] Gambling debts
  [_] Negative experience with poverty


 9. Canada is a long way from home.  Please check acceptable alternate
countries:


  [_] Democratic Republic of Taiwan 
  [_] U.S.A.
  [_] Singapore
  [_] U.S.A.
  [_] Hong Kong
  [_] U.S.A.
  [_] Australia
  [_] U.S.A.
  [_] Europe
  [_] U.S.A.
  [_] This isn't the U.S.A.?


10. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:


  [_] Color TV
  [_] VCR
  [_] Cell phone
  [_] ICBM
  [_] Satellite (please specify: dish or orbiter)
  [_] CD Player
  [_] Toaster oven
  [_] bicycle
  [_] 8-track player
  [_] Rolex
  [_] Home computer
  [_] Nuclear warhead
  [_] Mo-ped


 11. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all
that apply)


  [_] Pending Christian
  [_] Communist / Socialist
  [_] Splittist / petty deviationist
  [_] Under capitalized
  [_] Pregnant
  [_] Entrepreneurial
  [_] Realtor
  [_] Pro-Democracy
  [_] Pro-Dictatorship
  [_] Indifferent
  [_] Corrupt
  [_] Exploited / victim
  [_] Gangster
  [_] Culture bearer


 11. How did you pay for your exit documents (if any at any time)?


  [_] Barter
  [_] We're still arguing
  [_] Cash
  [_] Suitcases of heroin
  [_] C.O.D human beings
  [_] Personal check
  [_] Credit card batch numbers
  [_] Ransom money
  [_] Traveler's check
  [_] Expect to be indentured for ........ years


 12. Your occupation:


  [_] Homemaker
  [_] Massage therapist
  [_] Fashion model / hairdresser
  [_] Cruise management
  [_] Broker / middleman
  [_] Human resources specialist
  [_] Snakehead / victim
  [_] Clerical
  [_] Entrepeneur
  [_] Cultural interpreter
  [_] Mercenary
  [_] Middle management
  [_] Enforcer
  [_] Loans / collections officer
  [_] Retired
  [_] Student


 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on a regular basis:


  [_] Golf
  [_] Ping-pong
  [_] Cruising
  [_] Shopping
  [_] Running / jogging
  [_] Intimidation
  [_] Wildlife enthusiast
  [_] Default on loans
  [_] Subsistence gardening
  [_] Handicrafts / weapon manufacture
  [_] Black market / smuggling
  [_] Collectibles / collections
  [_] Watching TV
  [_] Wines / narcotics
  [_] Gaming / casinos
  [_] Dog lover
  [_] Travel / border penetration
  [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
  [_] Fashion clothing
  [_] Mutually Assured Destruction


 Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help us serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from refugee-friendly companies, non-governmental
agencies, rights-groups, lobbyists, lawyers and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win
amnesties for three friends / relatives and an all expenses paid trip to
New York City!

_______________________________________________________________________

 INVASION HUMOR!!!  FROM THE FRONT
_______________________________________________________________________


How many immigration lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
--  What's in it for them?


How many Immigration Ministers does it take to change a light bulb? 
--  What's the point?  It'll NEVER change.


How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
--  None.  Ottawa prefers to keep us in the dark.


How many Heritage Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
--  Two.  One to change it & one to say loudly how she did it as well as
any American.


How many Supreme Court judges does it take to change a light bulb? 
--  Nine.  One to change it and eight to rule on the constitutionality of
running it on manure.


How many refugee advocacy groups does it take to change a light bulb? 
--  Just one -- to remind us that it's a mistake to stereotype light
bulbs.


How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a light bulb? 
--  It's NOT changed - it's enriched.

             For those of you without a funny bone, the above is a 

                complete joke. And should be taken only as joke